just playing in the net!

What a great few days this has been! I have reconnected with so many friends this week and now have a full month (but not too full) of hanging with friends. Some times we even plan to be productive.

Really I feel reborn. Last night we laughed so hard we all had tears streaming down our faces. It was the depth of the experience that made it great. Friends who were not afraid to fully open up and let it all out made the night free and unrestrained. We shared without censor or hesitation because we all could relate to the stories being told and we could poke fun at each other and lament that we let "one of the group" fall through the safety net and smack on the concrete of reality. Some times you need to be the one taking that harsh plunge.

Seeing those friends this morning and having to hold our breath so we didn't burst into laughter as we waited for our kids to enter the school building simply made my day.

Tomorrow I get to do it again. This time with spouses. Tomorrow, I'll again be able to pause and look around and just take in the faces of those whom 'get it" and feel like I'm right where I belong.

And Sunday we add in the kids. It will be crazy and wonderful. I think this weekend I will fall in love with the holiday and enjoy the ride.

I'm glad to have found this net(work) again. Even my mother-in-law remarked that even through the phone I sound rested and happy.

There are many things that we need in life. And I have learned that one very important component of happiness are friends with whom I have much in common, who understand my needs, wants, and perspective. Having returned to this group I find that is still is easy to have time for friends and random outings. Unlike the young families at our church, this group of friends rarely can do spur of the moment things, so we plan a day or two before and we can make arrangements for childcare or adjust our schedules to accommodate soccer practices, ballet, and instrument lessons. Someday those young parents will understand. I'm alright with them not understanding. I'm not a young mom anymore and I am glad for that.


Like a child elated by a special day out with friends, I am bouncing on this net(work) of friends and look forward to the days ahead.

a network

Several years ago, my husband and I experienced some intense martial problems. After some fabulous Christian marriage counseling and much conversation, we overcame the obstacles that were then causing us problems. Our marriage and our relationship is again solid and filled with wacky laughter and never-ending smiles. Sure we have our issues and disagreements, but they are not paramount and we work through them. It is a process and one that I enjoy. I enjoy it because I love my husband and I love that he is my best friend.

During our marriage counseling we "hunkered down" and made our focus the two of us and the two of us with the kids. It was, for lack of a better description, a war on the issues that created the problems. We actively chose to block ourselves off from "external elements" so that we could repair the wounds we had created and then emerge stronger as a couple and a family. We did things with others and had social moments, but socializing with others was, for a time, secondary to time together.

I am glad to say our "hermit life" was a success. And Sean and I are again a great team. Add in the kids and we are one tight package.

We forgot one important thing, though. After we got back on solid ground with our relationship we failed to reconnect with friends. Instead we focused on one aspect of our lives that was a part of our healing: the church which we joined during our marriage counseling.

We love our church and the careful adherence to the Bible and Biblical teaching. And we really enjoy the other members. But we had allowed ourselves to rely on our church for everything.

In the last few months Sean and I have noticed pronounced unhappiness and some jealousy that other couples in the church were doing things together and we never were called. We had tried to do things with others, but we tended to be the ones asking and "creating" the event and there seemed to be very little reciprocity. The phone just didn't ring. We just left it be and over the last two years the loneliness intensified.

It wasn't until I had a curt phone call with a member of the church this week that I realized several things. First, we were morons for being so lazy and thinking that our church would fulfill all our needs. We are about a decade older than most people in the church and our youngest child is nearest in age to most of the other families' oldest children. In addition Sean has a job unlike that ever experienced by the other people in our church. Sean's travel takes him out of state (and often out of the country) every week for the entire work-week. The reality is that the other church families have no clue what that is like or what the needs of our family are.

Second, we had a life BEFORE we joined our church and no one in the church really knows anything about that life. I had let slide my research, my meetings with other, shall we say, insanely academic friends, and, for what seems like an eternity, I certainly had not spent much (if any) time with others who had experience with their spouses traveling or with our friends whose children are close in age to our older children.

While the voice at the other end of the call was telling me, "when I first met you you were telling everyone that Sean's travel was fine and we were all so impressed with you for doing so well. Since then I have seen your unhappiness grow and now you seem miserable." And you know what? She is CORRECT. But not for the reasons she thinks. This misery did not entirely have to do with my desire for my husband to quit traveling. Rather It has more to do with losing our network of friends. During the call she encouraged me to see what God was doing in our lives and where we are headed under his plan and if we follow his plan then we will find peace again. Yes, I agree with that. God does have a plan for us and I will be at peace when I follow it.

The reality is that I haven't followed His plan for four years. While walking the single life-line of "life submerged in our church", I forgot about the interests and gifts and amazing friends God gave to me and to Sean and I neglected the parts of our lives that contributed significantly to our peace and joy and happiness. We had essentially traded in our "safety net" for a single buoy in the ocean. Our happiness seems to have drained in direct correlation with the losing of our network.

So I picked up the phone and now I feel like the weight is off my shoulders....completely. Friends and colleagues from our "former" lives have been ecstatic to hear from me. I am preparing for a new research project, I already had time with a couple old girlfriends who know what it means to have a husband and father of their children in a different time zone, and we have weekend plans to go out with some friends who are our age and who understand Sean's field as well as his travel and its impact on our lives. I feel peaceful.

And will we "dump" the church and its young membership? NOPE. Because we need fed spiritually as well and God wants us to hear his word each week and to be guided by Him. We love our church. We love how our pastor delivers God's message. We love the community, even if it is young. Or perhaps because it is young. It just doesn't fill our social needs. I am happy to leave those young moms and their diaper bags and head to the art museum and dusty libraries filled with research materials. And I will have my youngest in tow and my "academic" friends by my side as we chuckle over odd translations of books and weird historical perspectives. It feels comfortable and it is comfortable within the gifts God has given me and I know God will fill my cup as long as I remain true to Him. Sure I will chose to enjoy the company of the young families at church and I will chose to enjoy a play-date here and there, but gone are the chains of trying to fit my entire life into this church's "boundaries". Rather, our church and the wonderful people in it, will be just a part of what makes our lives whole.

So I am glad for the curt conversation this week. And I am sorry that that sweet voice at the end of the phone will probably never understand my perspective. She means well and I have no hard feelings. But, really, how can anyone truly understand the ins and outs of this "traveling man life" without having experienced it, at least, to some degree? Our expectations of others must be tempered by the experiences that allow them perspective.

I am glad to say that I have my network of "academic" friends, "fun" friends, church friends, and "I can bare my soul and be wholly understood friends" back in place. And I finally feel free again; my step is lighter and my kids are benefiting from a very attentive Mom, my husband has a more attentive and loving wife, and we have a happier home.

And I know that we won't fall back into the issues that we had. Once you rebuild, the foundation and the entire structure is stronger and reinforced. We have a better grasp of balance and we have a good net(work) of friends that will hold us accountable and help keep our priorities in the forefront.

And I am again fine with my husband's travel. Sure I'd like him home every night for dinner, but I do not think his travel is the primary cause of our unhappiness. It was a lack of a network that could fully comprehend our family life and how Sean's travel impacts our daily routine. It only took one cup of coffee with old friends to prove the comfort and joy that comes from laughing about airline issues and taxi cab drivers to know that I am  is great company with beautiful and loving peers. We will see how the next weeks and months progress, but I'm feeling pretty positive that a sense of peace will reign in this household.

Silhouettes

Friend. For me that term mean something intense. Something sublime. Something fully of, well, SOME thing. Friends are a wealthy of love and support; a balance of truth and grace. A friend is someone to laugh with, to cry with, to have debates with, to count on. Friends trust each other to be truthful and kind; serious when appropriate and humorous when needed; a friend is to be relied upon and cheered for and to be held accountable.

Our family has been blessed with Godly, wise,  and loving friends.

Sometimes friends are found in family. I stand in awe of the bond between my children and my brother's children. I pray that it grows stronger each day. They are all so close in age and they already hold each other accountable for the things they do and say and they do it with such love.

Our church family has been, well, full of friends. Friends who hold our family accountable, friends who pray for us and for whom we pray. Friends with whom we celebrate.....

and share baby stories and sing......

friends who make us laugh and smile.....

friends who openly discuss and debate and educate .....

 friends who are both peers and role models....

friends whom we trust with our children and our country's safety......

friends who we miss and with whom we can pick up at any time.....

 Friends who go on wild adventures with us......

first friendships (and one which we can't imagine ever being without).....

 I could have included many more pictures on this page and some of the people whom I did want to include I was unable because I don't have a picture of them! Yet we are with them frequently talking and laughing and crying and seeking advice and giving counsel and just being with them.

I don't analyze my friendships, but it is good to review and ask "Am I being a good friend?", "Am I meeting the needs of those about whom I care?", "Am I maintaining confidences and preserving trust?", "Am I cheering on accomplishments and comforting the losses?"

I cherish those whom God has allowed me to know. I work towards showing them that truth. :)

a prayer answered

Happy 7th Birthday two days late, my dear Sam.

You are such a precious child. I remember praying for you before you were conceived, while you grew inside me, and I know the intensity of the prayers prayed for you during the last seven years. We named you Samuel because you are what your name means: "answered prayer".

God gave you to us and He has so lovingly let us hold you tight and at times wonder if you were about to be reunited with the God of all things. In such a short time you have survived a life-threatening sinus infection as well as what could have been a very badly positioned brain cyst. By the grace of God alone you were healed from the infection and the cyst rendered harmless (it is now merely a spot on the MRI). You are a child of God and He has clearly reminded us that we are merely privileged with training you in His ways.


I have no doubt that God has greatness planned for you. You have a strong will that you are learning to channel into the most amazing behaviors and you seem to be using this gift to positively affect others. I love watching how you interact with your older brother and with your younger sister. You have strength, conviction, and such a loving way with them. Of course you also tussle and squabble with them, but I know that you will always be there for them.

You melt my heart with your smile

encourage me with your fun personality

and inspire me with your love of God, your brother and sister, and of your dad and me.

Keep your eyes on Christ and always strive to be closer to Him each day. You are super agent Sam and Christ is your weapon, armor, and wisdom!

Treasures cluttering my view

 I say " I can't stand clutter", but if that is true then where did ALL THIS STUFF come from?

I suppose I cold "blame" the clutter on the fact that we have been married 13 years and we still think we are going to use those untouched wedding gifts

or on the fact that we have three wonderful kids who have toys and clothes and books and "stuff"

or that my Mom died 11 1/2 years ago and I have so much of her "stuff"...."stuff" that supposedly has memories attached to each thing (HA! I have pictures and siblings and a spouse who knew my Mom....the memories will not disappear because I get rid of the dress she wore in my wedding!).

But the truth is that we have so much stuff because we have allowed ourselves to nestle in the middle of it all thinking things like "I might need it someday" (really, will my feet shrink back down to before I had four pregnancies-size so I can wear roller blades with a three year old strapped to my back? or will those lovely silk shirts every again fit my not so firm arms, or even better, when will I ever need to adorn those silk-wear-with- the- suits-you no-longer-have shirts?)

Matthew 6: 19-21 states, " Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

My, my, tsk, tsk. Look at all the earthly treasures that surround our family! What a burden it is! House cleaning has become a pain because we needed to move all the "stuff" off the floor before vacuuming, off the tables before wiping, off the shelves before dusting. UGH!! And how much "stuff" have we moved each of the SEVEN times we have moved!

ENOUGH!! that is what we said in a low murmur last year. It was difficult to get enthusiastic last year because there was so much stuff to go through and purge.  But we started. We started with a "general entire-house purge". We collected what we thought was an amazing amount of "stuff" in the basement and dutifully gave away as much as friends would take (presumably for needs) and then offered the remainder for sale at a garage sale and then donated the leftovers.

AHHH....it felt good.

That was until we sat down and looked at the shelves in the living room, the THIRTY BOXES of books on the third floor, the unused children's clothes and toys, and on and on......it was as if we were blind during the first purge. I was in awe with HOW MUCH "stuff" we had NOT purged.

And so we started to purge again. This time we are going room by room, shelf by shelf, drawer by drawer. I think it will take us at least a year to truly purge and get down to the "stuff" we actually need and the "stuff" that truly are tied to memories and "stuff" that we do want to pass down for generations.

As each drawer, each shelf, each box is emptied, I feel more and more content. It is true. The less we have the less we really need or want. And most of the "stuff" that was cluttering our lives had found residence with people who need it.

We still have a LONG way to go, but we are moving in the right direction and we are diligently tending to this task daily. This has been a good life-lesson for our children and a great opportunity to teach our family what the Bible says about wealth and about what it means to be God's money managers (I shall write another entry on another day about what we are learning about being God's money managers.)

The removal of the "stuff" that we have purged has already almost inexplicably freed up an amazing amount of time in our lives. Time that we fill with doing "things" like being silly with the kids in the back yard....multiple times a day, and going for longer bike rides, and spending more time with our neighbors, and finding time to volunteer, and reading more of the Bible more often, and generally doing "things" that have a purpose in God's plan, "things" that cause contentment and that create a slower pace of life (though we seem to be doing more!) .
And so now I shall end. I have two boxes of "stuff" that need gone through and prepared for "eviction". And I am excited about purging....and so are our two boys and my husband....it is like a wonderful affliction....that presumably will be cured when all this excess "stuff" is gone!

The view seems to be blocked.....

Yes, my view is now blocked by a lankly"I-will-be-10-years-old-tomorrow" boy. Or should I say young man? When he walks in front of me, I can no longer see over him. He has a lovely thick head of hair and long lean neck and I see youthful muscles maturing in his shoulders and arms. And his arms....when he gives me a big bear hug they wrap all the way around me. I remember when his arms could only wrap around my neck when I picked him up and carried him in my arms.

Yesterday he picked me up.

Has a decade really passed?

How did we get from this:

 to this:

You are growing so quickly. Have your Dad and I done enough to keep God's word in your heart? Are we doing all that is needed for you to become a good Christian man?

I think you will grow to be a fine example of God's love. I'm just not ready for you to keep growing!

Keep your eyes and heart on God, my eldest, and your path will be made straight.

Goodbye Crib

Over ten years ago Sean and I went crib shopping and I hated every crib I saw. Being of small stature every crib was far too tall for me to reach into it without standing on a stool. And then I met the crib of my dreams.....

 It is lower than most cribs and has the awesome door on the side. Over the years the door has served many purposes including, but not limited to being able to slid a finally-sleeping Tyler into his crib without waking him, being able to slid Sam into the crib without further hurting my strained back muscles (it was unwise to pick up Tyler and Sam at the same time just days after giving birth), and for all three of our children the door has provided easy access in and out of the crib during non-nap and bed hours (Really shouldn't everyone including an 18 month old be able to access their sleeping spot even when awake?).

Over the last ten years this crib has resided in 4 of our homes and is an anchor for so many memories.....including my introduction to Lakewood Hospital a whopping 24 hours after we moved here. Never again shall we prop the mattress rail against a wall! I can remember clearly the weeks after we had moved Sam into Tyler's room so that we could assemble the crib for "the new baby". The crib stood in Sam's old room for only about 6 weeks because a miscarriage the day before my birthday carried our unborn child straight to God's arms. I remember thinking how sad it was that our final dis assembly of the crib was after we  had suffered such a loss. And I remember just as vividly how just 18 months later how excited we were to put up the crib for Riley. I was just BURSTING from that pregnancy! I was about  33 weeks pregnant...far enough along that the baby should be viable if born. And I remember how tiny Riley looked in that crib.....in that crib on the day we took it down!

On Friday we disassembled the crib for the last time. I am not sad to see this old friend covered and stored away. Rather excited that our family has officially moved into the stage in which all of our children are now "big kids".

Riley is absolutely thrilled!

And her big brothers so kindly fueled the excitement of their sister.

So now, at night, I sneak in and "check on her just one more time". And sometimes I can find her snuggled in the middle of her stuffed animals.

Here's to the horizons we will visit on your bed, my dear little red-haired girl!

Boy Business

We have these two creatures in our house that once were big-eyed, smiling little boys.

Now we have independent-minded, God-loving BIG kids.

Tyler loves to read and invent with Legos. His mind seems to never stop working and imagining. He likes to ponder ideas for days and then discuss at great length. He's our "brainiac" with benefits. Social and athletic. Refined and emotional. And he has one of the best smiles in the universe.

Sam is most certainly our strong-willed child and I feel so blessed that he has learned to (mostly) harness that part of him to use for good and positive action. He is a comic, an athlete, and friend. He truly holds himself and others accountable for what he and they say and do. He is simply fun to be around.

Together the boys make an amazing pair. They compliment each other in so many ways. It melts my heart to see them sticking up for one another and genuinely caring about and for each other. When they work together, which is often, they produce amazing creations, imaginative universes, and a loving environment for family and friends.

Watch out world!

The Little Red-Haired Girl Grows

There is this little red-haired girl who occupies a part of my heart. She was there before we even knew she was in my womb. I longed for her even when I didn't know that I could long for her. As she grew inside me my heart formed around this image of a little child with a unique personality and dreams and one who loved God. We didn't know she was a girl until she was born. And then, for a few long moments, we thought she had left us before we had even seen her face.

She was bright blue from the umbilical cord having been wrapped around her neck. Stillborn. Even our doctor considered it for a moment. But that baby was strong and courageous and responded to the doctor and nurses who worked on her and eventually she let out a beautiful cry. It was the most precious sound I have ever heard.

Courage. That tiny little one has lived up to her name even before birth. Long before she was born we had decided to name our child Riley, the Irish word for "courage". Her middle name is Josephine after my Grandmother who was a wise, kind, and courageous woman. If Riley becomes even half the woman my Grandmother was, she will be a beautiful reflection of God's love.

Riley is blessed with two older brothers, Tyler and Sam, who are nothing short of amazing in regard to their sister.

From the first day they "met" her, they have been helping and protecting her. To those around these three, it is evident that they are a team, a youthful "Three Musketeers". I have grand dreams for them and can't wait to see the reality of God's even better reality for their futures.

Time has flown with our little ball of Courage. In 2 1/2 months she will be three years old. In the coming weeks we will take down her crib and she will sleep in a twin bed, she has already started to potty train, and all the baby toys have been given away or packed away for a garage sale.

She is no longer a toddler wanting to be put in the baby swing,

but rather a daredevil who makes her "banana swing" go as high as her little body can make it go.

Naps are giving way to longer family trips and more adventures. Our youngest is becoming, truly, her own entity with ideas and plans and the ability to enact her plans!

Stay courageous and curious, little one.

The day awaits and new discovers are on your horizon!

Entrance to the Blog World

Blogs. At one time blogs were just a distance scribble on the horizon. Gradually the scenery of our lives changed and the blog horizon grew closer as we deepened relationships with certain friends. Scribbles soon revealed letters, then words, then the terrain and scenery of the lives of others. And now the images on the horizon are gone and I stand firmly on the terra of this new world looking to a new horizon and the possibilities held in my own blog.

I have chose the title of this blog as a reflection of our lives. So much begins as a smudge or a faint line on some distant horizon and gradually over time becomes discernible and significant. Life choices made while "looking ahead" have such great hope for the future that lies at the edge of that horizon. And often sooner than expected the old horizon has become the plot of territory upon which we now stand and the horizon is again new and exciting. We anticipate, hope, and with great eagerness seek a clearer view.

And so let the journey to the horizon begin.