During our marriage counseling we "hunkered down" and made our focus the two of us and the two of us with the kids. It was, for lack of a better description, a war on the issues that created the problems. We actively chose to block ourselves off from "external elements" so that we could repair the wounds we had created and then emerge stronger as a couple and a family. We did things with others and had social moments, but socializing with others was, for a time, secondary to time together.
I am glad to say our "hermit life" was a success. And Sean and I are again a great team. Add in the kids and we are one tight package.
We forgot one important thing, though. After we got back on solid ground with our relationship we failed to reconnect with friends. Instead we focused on one aspect of our lives that was a part of our healing: the church which we joined during our marriage counseling.
We love our church and the careful adherence to the Bible and Biblical teaching. And we really enjoy the other members. But we had allowed ourselves to rely on our church for everything.
In the last few months Sean and I have noticed pronounced unhappiness and some jealousy that other couples in the church were doing things together and we never were called. We had tried to do things with others, but we tended to be the ones asking and "creating" the event and there seemed to be very little reciprocity. The phone just didn't ring. We just left it be and over the last two years the loneliness intensified.
It wasn't until I had a curt phone call with a member of the church this week that I realized several things. First, we were morons for being so lazy and thinking that our church would fulfill all our needs. We are about a decade older than most people in the church and our youngest child is nearest in age to most of the other families' oldest children. In addition Sean has a job unlike that ever experienced by the other people in our church. Sean's travel takes him out of state (and often out of the country) every week for the entire work-week. The reality is that the other church families have no clue what that is like or what the needs of our family are.
Second, we had a life BEFORE we joined our church and no one in the church really knows anything about that life. I had let slide my research, my meetings with other, shall we say, insanely academic friends, and, for what seems like an eternity, I certainly had not spent much (if any) time with others who had experience with their spouses traveling or with our friends whose children are close in age to our older children.
While the voice at the other end of the call was telling me, "when I first met you you were telling everyone that Sean's travel was fine and we were all so impressed with you for doing so well. Since then I have seen your unhappiness grow and now you seem miserable." And you know what? She is CORRECT. But not for the reasons she thinks. This misery did not entirely have to do with my desire for my husband to quit traveling. Rather It has more to do with losing our network of friends. During the call she encouraged me to see what God was doing in our lives and where we are headed under his plan and if we follow his plan then we will find peace again. Yes, I agree with that. God does have a plan for us and I will be at peace when I follow it.
The reality is that I haven't followed His plan for four years. While walking the single life-line of "life submerged in our church", I forgot about the interests and gifts and amazing friends God gave to me and to Sean and I neglected the parts of our lives that contributed significantly to our peace and joy and happiness. We had essentially traded in our "safety net" for a single buoy in the ocean. Our happiness seems to have drained in direct correlation with the losing of our network.
So I picked up the phone and now I feel like the weight is off my shoulders....completely. Friends and colleagues from our "former" lives have been ecstatic to hear from me. I am preparing for a new research project, I already had time with a couple old girlfriends who know what it means to have a husband and father of their children in a different time zone, and we have weekend plans to go out with some friends who are our age and who understand Sean's field as well as his travel and its impact on our lives. I feel peaceful.
And will we "dump" the church and its young membership? NOPE. Because we need fed spiritually as well and God wants us to hear his word each week and to be guided by Him. We love our church. We love how our pastor delivers God's message. We love the community, even if it is young. Or perhaps because it is young. It just doesn't fill our social needs. I am happy to leave those young moms and their diaper bags and head to the art museum and dusty libraries filled with research materials. And I will have my youngest in tow and my "academic" friends by my side as we chuckle over odd translations of books and weird historical perspectives. It feels comfortable and it is comfortable within the gifts God has given me and I know God will fill my cup as long as I remain true to Him. Sure I will chose to enjoy the company of the young families at church and I will chose to enjoy a play-date here and there, but gone are the chains of trying to fit my entire life into this church's "boundaries". Rather, our church and the wonderful people in it, will be just a part of what makes our lives whole.
So I am glad for the curt conversation this week. And I am sorry that that sweet voice at the end of the phone will probably never understand my perspective. She means well and I have no hard feelings. But, really, how can anyone truly understand the ins and outs of this "traveling man life" without having experienced it, at least, to some degree? Our expectations of others must be tempered by the experiences that allow them perspective.
I am glad to say that I have my network of "academic" friends, "fun" friends, church friends, and "I can bare my soul and be wholly understood friends" back in place. And I finally feel free again; my step is lighter and my kids are benefiting from a very attentive Mom, my husband has a more attentive and loving wife, and we have a happier home.
And I know that we won't fall back into the issues that we had. Once you rebuild, the foundation and the entire structure is stronger and reinforced. We have a better grasp of balance and we have a good net(work) of friends that will hold us accountable and help keep our priorities in the forefront.
And I am again fine with my husband's travel. Sure I'd like him home every night for dinner, but I do not think his travel is the primary cause of our unhappiness. It was a lack of a network that could fully comprehend our family life and how Sean's travel impacts our daily routine. It only took one cup of coffee with old friends to prove the comfort and joy that comes from laughing about airline issues and taxi cab drivers to know that I am is great company with beautiful and loving peers. We will see how the next weeks and months progress, but I'm feeling pretty positive that a sense of peace will reign in this household.
No comments:
Post a Comment